Note. There could be a touch of sarcasm in this post.
While some drivers have issues with cyclists that behave like prats, red light skipping and the like, I find that as a cyclist that cycles properly I'm either a challenge or an obstacle to car and lorry drivers.
I fully understand that you want to be careful of those pedestrian crossings and road separators, you could damage your expensive paintwork or your suspension if you hit those raised concrete sections, so please feel free to swerve into the cycle lane to miss them, I’ll be fine.
Or at the lights when you pull in to stay well away from the oncoming traffic that’s probably overtaking some annoying cyclist on the turn, please feel free to use the cycle lane, after all I can stop, dismount and walk.
Thank you for being careful to give me four inches of space between my arm and your mirror when passing, it’s not like I'm going to swerve or anything. Or for the lorries and buses a whole six inches of room but that overtake so fast the jet wash pulls me out behind them. Thanks for that, it's always great fun, like a free roller coaster ride with only a small chance of death under the car behind the bus.
Windy, raining, all those wonderful high tech cars with computer enhanced braking and the like so they're fine, me, cycle, wet brakes, not a problem, oh I am sorry for face planting your boot or rear window, nothing damaged, the blood will wipe off.
Turning at junctions, please do overtake me, it will take me several seconds to get up to speed and there's no point in you waiting, or if I'm turning right at a junction and taking the shortest route please feel free to undertake me, I'll be fine, it's not like I could hit the cars coming the other way or anything.
High viz, yep I use it, despite the problems with the DWP, makes me a good target, allows car drivers to clearly see exactly where my elbows are so they can cut another inch of that all important minimum clearance when overtaking. Happy to help car drivers shave a tenth of a second off their journey times by not having to waste time swinging wide to overtake me.
Not using the cycle path, I am terribly sorry, my fault entirely, so sorry for being in the way, how inconsiderate of me to not want to bounce over the pot holes, the drain covers, all those wonderfully slippy metal plates and of course all the rubbish thrown off the cars that piles up along the cycle lanes, back in my day we called them gutters but hey ho, that's just me being old.
Going slow, yes I know, you're on your own in your big powerful car and me all alone on my human powered bike. I'm a big fat chuffer, much as I may try I can't do 0 - 60 in anything even measurable and those racing starts, not going to happen. So I do apologise for keeping you waiting, after all what’s the point in having a big fast car for just one person if you don't go fast with it.
Blowing your horns, swearing or shouting. I’m a sociable sort, I love chatting with people, always nice to have a complete stranger take an interest in me. Of course if you would like to debate the finer points of the highway code, rights of way and general road safety you really need to slow down a little, I can’t reply when you’re burning rubber at fifty miles an hour after you passed me.
Red lights, I know, bloody cyclists. I’m not an idiot who ignores red lights or if I’m turning I get off and walk round the corner. But those big boxes painted by the lights, the ones with the painted images of bicycles, I have this idea and I could be wrong here, but I have this idea that the box is for cyclists to wait in till the lights change. I know some cyclists run the lights, but I don’t so I get ever so slightly annoyed when people block the cycle lane AND the box, trapping me some way back. But that’s fine, it takes me a while to get up to speed from a stop and you can practice your four inch passing techniques more.
So let me take the opportunity to apologise for being a cyclist, for slowing you down or getting in your way with my ridiculous idea that I have as much right to take up my three feet of road space as you do to take up your ten feet of road because we are both individuals using the roads.
I do apologise for trying get to my destination without detours or running down any pedestrians, using your roads and daring to occupy space dedicated to cars, never mind those painted markings, the orange tarmac with the little pictures of cycles or any of that stuff, the roads belong to the car drivers and I’m just a jumped up pedestrian on wheels.
In short I apologise for being a cyclist.
So despite my careful cycling and my high viz and the fact that I’m a big bloke, about as wide as an outhouse and hard to miss, or my little bike lights or the street lamps, or the fact that as a cyclist I am a red flag to a bull to any drivers machismo and testosterone (even the female drivers) could I ask you car drivers and bus drivers and van drivers and lorry drivers a big favour.
Please don’t run me down and kill me. You might damage your cars!